Saturday, April 13, 2013

why I've been gone


I don't know really what to say. Or really what to talk about. Or anything. I don't know what I should tell you guys and what I shouldn't. But all I can say is that these past couple months have been really hard for me. If that's one thing I can say straight, that's it. Honestly, they've sucked. Which is an even stronger word than hard but it's the truth.

How many months? My last update was over a month ago, plus four months, and then add two more months while I was still around... that's a total of seven months. These past seven months have been some of the crappiest couple months so far and it's not because bad stuff happened to me or anything during this time... I think it was more because my emotions finally caught up from all this crap that happened to me when I was younger and I got overwhelmed because the emotions were so strong. And I don't know... when bad stuff happens to you, you don't forget. You don't forget how you felt, or who it was, why it happened. You don't. You just...don't.

And I guess, it got so bad inside, I finally broke. And I got into this depression, that kills me everyday. Seven months have gone by and all I can really say is, these have probably been some of the loneliest months of my life. I'm fourteen, so I don't know if I've experienced the worst of what may happen in my lifetime, but I don't know. Since I was a little kid, I don't ever remember being genuinely happy but never genuinely sad. I was sort of naive, and gullible. And a kid. I was a kid. So I did kid stuff and felt kid feelings. I don't know.

And then fourteen years go by and suddenly memories start coming back and the reality of my life comes to my head and I got incredibly sad. Incredibly, incredibly sad.

Though dude... I've got help now. And I'm working through my problems and I'm slowly getting better now. So, don't worry guys... I haven't been posting because I've been a really crappy person, who doesn't feel like doing anything with her life. All I've wanted to do for the past seven months is sleep, read books, and listen to music all day. So, hi, I'm back and I'm gunna try and write about stuff now. Like old times, okay? I mean... maybe this will be good for me. Go back to what I used to do.

So yeah: update. Couple months ago I told you about that guy....right? Well, luckily over these past couple months I've at least done one thing with myself. So um, we're friends now and it's really cool. We talk and stuff and it's great. haha So, I'm changing his name on this blog. But I'm sure I'll tell you more about him in future posts hopefully. haha Okay, so I'm calling him Dude on this blog. Kay? You cool with that? haha Cool:)

What I'm Reading Right Now: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
What I'm Listening to Right Now: Tyler, the Creator's new album Wolf
Favorite Magazine Right Now: Nylon. Nylon is the best magazine evahh!!

Anyway, so yeah. haha What's up guys? I'm thinking about changing the url soon so, keep checking and I'll post the new url. Then change it.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

4 flipping months later. Hey guys.

Hey Guys,

So I haven't been here in awhile. Like 4 months? My life has been really weird lately so... I don't know. Just haven't really wanted to write. It's just been weird. That's basically the best way to describe everything, I guess. I just got an anonymous comment asking for me to write again and can I just say, whoever wrote that, I love you! I just do. So, here I am.

I'm going to make some changes around here and update some stuff. But soon, hopefully, I'll be writing up some posts and things will be all cool again.

So, soon. Soon.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

new tomorrow

i'm really excited.
like, the holidays are coming up and i'm actually... really excited. the cold air outside. christmas music playing. all the festive stuff up in stores already. the food. the feeling.
like, i'm excited. i haven't felt this way about this stuff since i was a little kid. i guess i sorta lost the excitement when i got older and things got harder when it comes to holidays... but this year, i feel happy about what's coming and actually want to do stuff and not just sit around and watch it go by. every year.
i guess you could say i'm fixing myself up by saying that whatever happens, i'll be okay.
what do you love about the holidays? favorite memory? feeling?
happy thanksgiving, guys :)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

what it's like

I see him every Sunday. In youth group.

He sits in the very back row with two of my friends, but if they're not there, he sits alone.

I've been in youth group for three years. He has too. I always knew he was there, but I never talked to him. Never really have noticed he was around because he hangs out with the high school girls because the high school guys don't.

He's adorable. A pretty boy. Seems nice, funny, but quiet...

He doesn't talk much. And when he does, you can barely hear him.

I talked to him once. This past August. At VBS. My friend who usually hangs out with him every Sunday was talking to him, but she left. I thought he'd leave because I didn't think he would be interested in talking to me, but he stayed. And he did talk to me. We talked about music.

I think he likes music. Because every time I see him sitting alone, he's got his earplugs in. Listening. Hood up, and he's gone.

But ever since that day we talked, I notice when he walks in the room. He notices when I am there. But I am too scared to go up and say "hi" to him. So what we do is we wave at each other. I see him when he walks in the room and I wave. He sees me, and he waves. He doesn't say "hi" either, but he's so quiet, he doesn't say much anyway.

I play piano on the worship team in my youth group and from where I am, I can see him sitting there in the back row. He watches me and listens... because he likes music, I think.

Last week, I was standing by the entance of church, when I saw him leave. I had people surrounding me, trying to tell me stuff, when I saw him look at me one last time and go. With his dad, out the door and he was gone.

I never see his mom.


Monday, October 29, 2012

currently, my life

Hello, my dears! I saw this post on Busy Bee Lauren a few weeks ago and I thought I'd bring it here... So, wondering what's up? Here's life:
currently, I am snacking on this:
[halloween candy. oh my goooooooooooooo---]
currently, I am smelling this:
**my house.**
currently, I am  listening to this:
[Viva la Vida. An amazing album by my favorite band of all time, Coldplay. I love all their albums, but this one happens to be one of my favorites. It is seriously beautiful and I love listening to it in the morning...or when I feel sad because this music makes me feel so much better.]
currently, I am reading this:
[I can't seem to read a book because there are so many I want to read that I don't have. So I have been sort of rereading a lot of the books I love and own. Like, right now I'm debating if I should reread the Hunger Games. Geez. Anywho, these books are the ones I really would like to read. Erg.]

currently, I am thinking about this person:
[His name is Jackson, but they call him Jack. I barely know him, but I do know who he is now. I met this little person at a park by my grandma's house when I was there this summer. In August. There was a jazz concert going on at the park, so the whole grass field was filled with people. Including him and I think his... grandma? He kept on coming up to me and throwing ping pong balls at me. He was adorable. I took a picture of him because I wanted to remember him. I wonder how he is now. His ...grandma... told me he had just learned to walk. I wonder how much he has learned now.]

Thursday, October 18, 2012


When I was up at my grandma's house this year, I found a bunch of photo albums full of old photographs. There were a lot of my dad and my Aunt Lisa, as well as my grandma and grandpa...and of some family members I didn't ever know I had. haha I took a bunch of pictures of my favorites because I really want to remember these photos. For some reason, they are really special to treasures :) Here are a few,
I love these. They make me wonder what it would have been like to know my dad when he was growing up. Dude, that would have been awesome.


Friday, October 12, 2012

Am I.

It's that moment when someone calls you something your not, makes fun of you, or looks at you like you're nothing... and it feels like they sucked the air out of you. For just a short time, you're stuck in that moment - replaying those words or their expression over and over again in your mind. Feeling the words sink down...slowly, just feeling it fall over you. Their face just stuck in your head. And when you're in your bed at night, you're staring at your ceiling, watching the fan rotate endlessly, and you can't fall asleep because what they said or did is still echoing in your mind. And you wonder if that's really who you are. If I'm really what they said.
Am I.